Chicken Soup and Soggy Crackers
by Angell1
Summary: Everyone snogs the wrong person. The library becomes the astronomy tower. A recipe-book for love is found and of course Hermione is the first to read it (“If it’s a book, give it to me!”). Dissing, kissing and dismissing.


Author notes: Well first of all I'd just like to say: AUTHORS, DON'T KILL ME!!! I'm just poking fun in general, ok? No offense intended to any author or shipper specifically, but if I did attack any individual fic by accident please scream at me and I'll change it. Also, this is my first fic so please be nice.  
  
Everyone was in the library. Snogging. Quite a strange combination too- Hermione was snogging Dean (what??? Dean????), Ginny was in a clinch with Terry Boot (huh? Who?) and Harry was really getting it on with Draco (ok, not so strange then). Ron was, as usual, sulking in the corner, occasionally glaring at Lavender and Parvarti, who were ignoring him in favor for Fred and Seamus.  
  
Suddenly, Lavender jumped up-"Guys! Guys! You're doing it all wrong, you know?"  
  
"What do you mean? Does my breath smell?" Parvarti asked, taking advantage of the quick break to apply another layer of lipgloss.  
  
"No, what I mean is that our fans will be turning in their graves if they saw this-"  
  
"Are our fans dead?" Everyone turned to look at Ron. "I mean, you said they would turn in their graves if-"  
  
"Well," Hermione cut in, "maybe if you actually TOOK muggle-studies, you'd understand what she meant. Although I'm not sure the saying counts unless..."  
  
Ginny cut in. "Lavender, how would YOU know if we were doing it right or not?"  
  
"This!" With a flourish, Lavender reached into her robes and took out a pink, battered book:  
  
RECIPE FOR LUUUURVE: ***Strawberry Stew, Chicken soup, and other sweet things***  
  
"Wow, you mean you actually read a book?" Said Dean, earning a slap from both Parvarti and Lavender.  
  
Hermione, however, had already started reading...  
  
***  
  
Recipe one: ONE BIG HAPPY WEASLEY FAMILY:  
  
Main ingredients: Like most recipes, the main ingredients consist of Harry, Ron and Hermione- the trio, Draco (where would we be without our devilish sex God?) and Ginny (one, she's Ron's sister, two she's a cute red head, and three a 3:1 boy girl ratio JUST wouldn't work, unless you're into menages à quatres).  
  
Preparation: 1) Get rid of Krum. Possibilities include "oh, a long distance relationship JUST wouldn't work out", Krum being an evil Bulgarian seeker who breaks Hermione's heart, or a good ol' push off a cliff. 2) Either let Cho fade away, let Harry find that she's all looks and no brains (whereupon she becomes an evil, social-climbing bitch who tries to seduce Harry for the fame, whereupon Harry rejects her for Ginny), or make her all shy and withdrawn since she's still mourning Cedric. 3) Stuff a hair-straightening cream into Hermione's bag. 4) All three boys grow at least 2 inches taller, preferably with some extra matter (i.e. muscles) around the front and down the arms. Usually happens in fifth or sixth year. Seventh year is also possible, but will probably have the additions of previous dating problems and heartbreaks.  
  
Method: 1) Hermione makes an entrance, preferably before they go on the train, to where two or all three of the boys are.  
  
2) They look up- (she's taller, *matured*, and has either straight hair, hair tamed into curls, or tamed and straightened hair, *just* curling slightly on the tips) - she's had a makeover. (Everybody, say "wow".)  
  
3) Harry is surprised, but Ron is the speechless one. Draco, if he's around, may or may not drop his jaw in wide-eyed astonishment, but will nonetheless find lots to say to her (chiefly consisting of the words "filthy" and "mudblood"), whereupon Ron will attempt to lunge at him, whilst being held back by Hermione, Harry, and Ginny, should she choose to make an entry.  
  
4) Harry looks at Ginny, and wonders why he never noticed her before. ("Her hair is as red as a deep blooming rose...")  
  
5) BACK TO SCHOOL: Draco walks around and is generally a pain in the arse. Ron gets pissed off.  
  
6) Fred and George will tease Ron about *something*, resulting in continuous blushing, resulting in major clashes with his hair.  
  
7) Hermione and Ron fight. Ginny either tries for Quidditch or sits next to Hermione and looks cute, her "sheet of red hair" or "flow of red curls" *just* setting off her white skin and perfect nose.  
  
8) Whether it is a confession, a love letter, a slip in the midst of (yet) another argument, or pure chance ("oops! I fell on your lips!") Hermione and Ron kiss in the common room, realize they like it, and decide to keep kissing. For quite a long time. Until someone (Fred, George, Harry, Ginny, Dean, Seamus) walks in. ("I knew it was going to happen! Jordan, you owe me a galleon!")  
  
9) Ginny suddenly seems confident, sociable, and Harry JUST can't get her off his mind. Example: "lovely smile...But why was he thinking about her? He had no reason to." Something drags them together: school event, Yule ball, Quidditch, or a chance meeting in the form room. Harry feels nervous and doesn't know why.  
  
10) Harry realizes his feelings (Wow, well done!). Ginny has liked him all along, or has convinced herself that she doesn't anymore ("it was only a silly schoolgirl crush") only to find that she does ("oh, damn!").  
  
11) Newly-coupled Ron and Hermione walk in on Harry and Ginny. Snogging. (déjà vu?) Ron is annoyed. Hermione is happy. Ron gives Harry a break.  
  
12) They all get married and have children. Draco is evil and ignored.  
  
Recipe two: DRACO IS SEXY AND RON IS ANNOYED.  
  
Ingredients: See above, with the possible addition of Lavender Brown or Seamus.  
  
Preparation: See above. For some reason this seems to happen in sixth year more than fifth, and is usually H/Hr, D/G (as Ginny cannot, for OBVIOUS reasons, be paired with Ron).  
  
Method: 1) Harry and Hermione have either "started dating" for a while, or feel tense around each other, in which case they both feel guilty for feeling tense. What used to be normal friendly stuff, such as hugs or whispers suddenly become scary. Sparks fly.  
  
2) If they haven't already done so, they get together. ("Now, I told you it would be easy, wouldn't it?") Ron may or may not be annoyed (due to possible crush on Hermione), and may or may not feel left out, possibly resulting in a new alliance with Voldemort. Or he may just be happy, and go "Finally! It took you long enough! Dean, you owe me two galleons!" (In which case the whole house, excepting Harry and Hermione, knew about their feelings anyway).  
  
3) There is usually a ball, or some similar event, in which Draco wants to ask Ginny, but is afraid, whilst wondering "WHY am I falling for HER??? A WEASLEY??"  
  
4) Ginny likes Draco too, and is probably trying to hide it ("How could you like HIM??? A MALFOY????"). Seamus may or may not try to ask her out, in which case she is too nice to turn him down.  
  
NOTE: It's either that, or Ginny bumps into Draco at some weak moment of his, or Draco has his eye on the "forbidden" Ginny and decides to seduce her.  
  
And Draco may or may not ask Ginny to the dance, in which she will accept, and go "I'm old enough to make my own choices" when Ron screams at her.  
  
5) Either way, at earlier said event, Draco: asks Ginny to dance/cuts in and dazzles her/is just so damn sexy that they end up dancing/talking/snogging in some secluded place. Ron finds out and is annoyed, but will: be pacified by his friends/clobbered to death by Draco/having a background relationship with Lavender Brown.  
  
6) Everyone snogs and goes home happy,  
  
Recipe 3: THE BOOKWORM AND THE SEX GOD  
  
Ingredients: See recipe one  
  
Preparation: See recipe one  
  
Method: 1) Draco sees Hermione and is surprised. ("Her hair was no longer bushy, but...")  
  
2) Hermione sees Draco and becomes momentarily breathless ("He had grown at least 2 inches and was no longer the scrawny kid that..."), before slapping herself awake.  
  
3) Some form of accidental meeting, or a possible tutoring session/detention/spell brings them together, (or else Draco just decides that Hermione is hot and sneaks up on her/stalks her/seduces her whereupon these phrases will always be used:  
  
thought bubble: "He was really hot and.slap Pull yourself together- this is MALFOY/DEATH EATER we're talking about!"  
  
thought bubble: "She was really hot and/...slap Pull yourself together- this is GRANGER/ THE MUDBLOOD we're talking about!"  
  
Draco: "I DID NOT say I was a Death-eater/ What makes you think I'm like my father?"  
  
Hermione: "Hey- you called me Hermione!"  
  
4) Now this may end in either a abusive and forbidden but nonetheless hot relationship involving secret dormitory visits and a suspicious Ron and Angry Harry ("HERMIONE! This is MALFOY we're talking about!! The Death Eater's son!"), or a sweet relationship involving a good Draco (or the other way round), and a five-some of friends instead of the old trio.  
  
***  
  
"Oh, honestly, Hermione, can't you skip to the more exciting part?" Ginny exclaimed, grabbing the book off her and riffling through the back pages. "Love triangles...nah...slash...nah- hey, teacher-student affairs!" Certain that she had everyone's attention, she read on.  
  
"Whilst these may often vary, it is generally agreed that some teachers are very versatile and can be paired with nearly every student. It is also agreed that each of these teachers have distinguishing features/habits that are nearly always used in fics. For example, oily hair, shampoo and dungeons can usually be linked to Professor Snape. This greasy, popular and often mysterious Professor can usually be found with..."  
  
With a scream, everybody fled the room. 


End file.
